Such is life, that we find love in artificial forms
It’s sad when that’s all that we can find though.
Sorry miss, but I play the sad songs and weep for myself.
Mine as well get this off my chest.
>went to a double birthday party a while back, girl who I had a magnificently painful falling out with is there
>she’s one of the main reasons I can’t see myself in a relationship for almost a year now, the phrase “once bitten, twice shy” doesn’t even begin to fucking describe
>she is also one of the main reason I could not really hang out with one of my best bros
>that feel when I have to drink myself absolutely piss drunk to make sure I don’t care she’s there and can have a fun time with friends
>for a while, we’re doing fine and they heckle me while we play some vidya, all in the name of enjoyment, still have to swallow down vodka to get the fact that she’s here out of my head
>that even worse feel when I’m getting drunker than them as party ensues and they’re telling me stop and I’m trying my best to assure them I’m fine so I can consume more vodka and lemonades
Not to say I didn’t have a good time overall. But having a symbol of your insecurity and depression does not fucking help
Have so many reminders of that woman. Want to rid them, but I can’t. Too much emotion behind it.
That feel when…
your best friend slept with your other good friend that you’ve haven’t seen in forever and still have some unrequited feelings about. And he cries when she has to leave and I don’t.
Feels numb and cold, man.
Trying to come to terms with the fact my brother will get out of jail in six years and I’ll be getting pretty oldfag too. Not only that, but my mom is having trouble finding a job, and as much as I’d like to not do community college and actually head off to a different location for college, I need to support the family and my mother seeing as she doesn’t speak English very well. And I’m failing with coming to terms.
And while failing, drinking a shit ton when I can. Getting high as a kite when I can.
Worst of all, I want to have a relationship, but I can’t help but feel immense guilt even if I could get a GF because I wouldn’t feel right talking about my crappy life. Despite that, I don’t know if I could ever find a woman.
Dream 1:
There was the lady in the black abyss, wearing that long black dress that drapes onto the floor and melts into the darkness like a viscous fluid. In fact, a drip of viscous shadow comes down from the sky, giving off light. The stream itself isn’t glowing, but light is coming off it enough to see her pale face and long hair.
Dream 2:
I remember my first experience with lucid dreaming all too well. I fell asleep in a cafeteria after laying my head to rest for about a minute or so. I began to dream about standing on a sea of metal junkyards, which was strange but calming. As I began to pace about the scrap, I feel the rumbling under my feet and rapid pounding in my ears. Now I’m freaking out because I know I’m dreaming and I really want to leave. I see the metal ocean began to ripple and out comes a dragon, with all it’s flesh and musculature exposed and bleeding as shrieks out in total agony. It begins to draw it’s head back when it notices me standing there. I still can’t force myself awake, and I’m not breathing at all. Soon as the gory dragon begins to charge, the pounding in my head stops and I wake up, sweating and breathing extremely fast, everyone staring at me.
Dream 3:
Frolicked in a endless field of yellow flowers, with everything having an orange yellow summer glow to it. A fine violin piece plays in my ears, and I am once again friends with Antlers as we walk through peacefully.
How deer.
You know, now that I think about it, I realized how corrupting being friend with Antlers really was. At least corrupting in the sense that me having feelings for her made me a lapdog who happily gobbled up her hate and frustration with other people. I didn’t hate anyone she hated, I said I did because I wanted to be loved. I was so blinded by wanting that I forgot what it was like to be honest and free-minded, to be thinking for me and not what she thought. Not to say she was a bad person, not at all. She was one of the closest friends I had at the time, and I dearly miss that friendship, with all the random conversations and amusing pictures and articles we sent each other. But like any other person, she had her faults, and looking back, they were mostly hateful remarks over things that happened long ago that she held in for so long. Such vitriol which had brewed for so long within her emotions when forgiveness would have, in my opinion, been far wiser to choose.
In a way, I do still care her. Not in the way with like relationship nonsense, God knows I know anything revolving around that with her is an absolute fucking nightmare. But in a friendly, “There’s a better way” kind of fashion, if that makes any sense at all. It was nice to hear that she dropped a note in one of my friend pack, apologizing for all the nasty things she said and wishing that they could have been better friends despite it all. My friend didn’t care much for the note, saying, “It doesn’t really matter to bring that friendship back, she’s said too much behind my back.”
She brings up a fair point, no doubt about it.
But it mixes my emotions a bit when I think about that Antlers said sorry to someone she genuinely had dislike for.
In a way she’s changed in that respect. But she’s the same in that she hates me, and would not want to talk to me in this lifetime.
I don’t know, and people don’t always know 100% about everyone a person can or will be. But it was a helluva thing to know her as much as I did and see her do something I didn’t expect of her when I did know her, looking back on those times. At the end of the day, she helped me grow as a person, and for that I can sincerely say that I am thankful for the time I got to spend.
